Just warning you now that this is a dismal rant… it’s probably a “don’t bother read”
A year ago, someone I love took his life. I don’t know what day… I don’t know what time… perhaps that’s why I’m feeling so restless, because I don’t have a moment to mark as his last… as if somehow moving one second passed the anniversary moment would lessen that ache… He was young and now it is over for him
… another year of my life has passed and it’s just over.
As a child, I used to be so afraid of dying. Every day I’d think, “one less day to live… one day closer till it’s over.” My faith saved me from that fear, realizing that death was not the end. That fear has crept back in a bit recently. A wavering of my faith? A mid-mid-life crisis? I’ve realized that I spend so much time trying not to feel and all my energy spent trying to keep it together has held me stagnant. The fear has locked me down like a deer in headlights.
So I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days, thinking about how I got to be who I am, trying to figure out how I can not waste another day. All this examining gave me a few glimpses of parts of me that I’ve lost along the way and some wide-screen HD views of things that I thought would never haunt me again.
Not really sure where this ride is going to take me but I’m hanging on…